Questions

Questions of who I am

Questions of who You are

Questions of life

Questions of death

death of a different kind

death of me

The me that i've been

Who is this me

This me that's supposed to live,

After the death of the me 

the me that's supposed to die?

so much pain in this heart

so much yearning for truth

what is truth?

Who is truth?

relearning the God 

the God i thought i knew

Who are you God??

I know you are there

I KNOW you are real

but really

WHO ARE YOU?

I feel lost

lost on how to live

how to go past pain

and learn

it's the deepest pain i've ever known

it brings the most questions i've ever had

of who i am

of what is Truth

of who is real...

and who is not

Who is this God they talk about

It's not the God i know

It's the God that's been taught

But not the God that i know

He's so different from that

but WHO is He?

He's the love of my life

He's the one who GIVES life

but i don't know who he is

Give me life

give me grace

I want to forgive

I feel like i have

but how do i be

the me

the me you've created me to be

when i have such a skewed view of you

Show me You father

Show me who That is

that thing i need so much

i don't know what a real one is

help me

Yours

Pitiful Meaningless Sensitivity

Pitiful Meaningless Sensitivity

I HATE USELESS EMOTIONS
crying for no reason
this feeling of emotions for no reason
that come on without warning
suddenly there
not creeping up
but tackling you
out of nowhere
your caught
emotion so thick
IT HURTS
all over your body
your heart
your arms
your head
I HATE IT
no room for ANYTHING
just pain
questions constantly
no confidence
just questions
tears
out of nowhere
falling
freely
down
my
face
i scrape them away
but they
just
keep
falling
my heart
i try to ignore it
but it
just
keeps
hurting
over NOTHING
its stupid
why was i given this?
why do i deal with this?
i hate these over emotional days
insatiable need to be held
needed
wanted
loved
never enough
and when its gone
feeling emptier
then the start
grrrr
Pitiful
Meaningless
Sensitivity

where?

Complacency

so its been a little while since i've updated
ok a long while
no internet
than...no interest
but this forenoon
something hit me
this urge to write again
write like i used to
use the computer
use the net
use my words
to express my thoughts
my feelings
my ever busy emotions
i've been thinking a lot
about God
about the one who i would serve no matter what
about what i feel he's calling me to
how do i get there?
how do i become who i want to become
how do i become extraordinary?
who wants to be ordinary?
how boring!
yet i am
i go to work
i, usually, go to church
spend time with danny
Spend time with God
T.v.
Movies
clean
but what do i do for my future?
What do i do to become extraordinary
to become incredible
become the person God has called me to be?
it sure as heck isnt sitting here on my ass
waiting for life to come to me
waiting for my future to suddenly HAPPEN
suddenly be incredible
tho i know this
i live as if this will happen
sorry kids
i know God had a plan for me to influence your life
but sorry
i was too damn lazy
too scared of failing
scared of money
scared of being too busy
that i sat on my lazy ass
and didnt do anything
and am quickly become
the one thing i loathe
COMPLACENT
i have a burning within me
a screaming
to do more than i do
it pulls at my heart
it hurts
it pulls so hard
and yet i sit
wait for the pain to cease
the pulling to ease up
and still sit
sit on my ass
doing NOTHING
but living for me
and waiting for life to begin
thats no way to live
yet that is my life
God help me to live
live not for myself
but for others
the path you have chosen
for me to take
I want live passionate once more
not more wretched complaceny
only PASSION!